Angst

Every time I near the finish line, the crowd disappears and I'm left alone. It's been happening for days now, loneliness creeping its way into my dreams. These nightmares are colorless, surrounded by a dull and compressed gray, filled with regrets and words gone wrong. When I wake up, my pillow is cold and hard; it feels strange.

I lay awake with fear by my side, whispering into my ear all the moments that I let slip out of my hands, all the smiles I have faked, all the turns I have taken wrong. I try to cover my ears, and to shut off the voices in my head that are agreeing with fear. But I can''t. I look at the ceiling and beg to sleep without nightmares, to be awake without regrets.

Every time I think I see the sun a grey, ugly cloud takes it place and my light is gone. It's been happening for days now, darkness taking over my days. The rain falls around me endlessly, and I am surrounded by regrets and words that went wrong. When I take my umbrella out, it breaks and leaves me soaking until my bones feel cold.

I sit down on the bench with sadness by my side, talking about all the opportunities I let slip out of my hands, all the tears I have cried, all the times I've fallen to the ground. I try to stand up, and to shut off the voices in my head that are agreeing with sadness. But my legs won't move. I look at the fallen leaves and beg to walk without rain, to see the blue sky.

Every time I breathe, I break a little inside.